Oh boy do I love those CC Roasts. Such a pity they only happen once a year, really. Last year’s Justin Bieber’s roast was hilarious, not least because that obnoxious little brat has made himself such an easy target. Kevin Hart was the most hilarious Roast Master to date, and in any case it was a vast improvement from the lackluster James Franco roast, which basically consisted of jokes about Jews and Franco’s squinty eyes.

When Donald Trump’s nomination was announced, I re-watched the ol’ Trump roast, not only because it was hilarious in the first place, but because it seemed so ludicrous that this guy was actually the Republican nominee for the presidency. It basically made me feel better about my country’s own farce of a government. But this year’s roast was even better in that regard.

It was supposed to be the roast of Rob Lowe.

Which, yes, seems an odd choice for a roastee. The guy’s most famous misstep was all the way back in 1988, as every single roaster kindly reminded us. Sure, he’s had a series of canceled shows and hasn’t been in any movie worth noting since he and Tom Cruise were the 80’s designated studs, but his transition to TV was smooth enough, and he does look amazing for a 52 year old. I mean, fucking phenomenal.

Which makes the theory that the entire roast was just a pretense to burn Ann Coulter all the more plausible.

Seriously, has a female celebrity ever been more despicable than this skeleton with no eyebrows? The nicest thing I can say about her is that she’s an equal opportunity hater fame-whore. The fact that she even accepted the invitation to be part of a Rob Lowe roast just so she could promote her useless book about Donald Trump says it all, I guess.

Whether she expected the onslaught or not is debatable, but what’s beyond a shadow of a doubt is that every single celebrity on the dais had a blast roasting the crap out of her, while her own reactions suggest that she was as uncomfortable being there as any narrow minded, homophobic, racist, misogynistic scarecrow of a bigot could possibly be. Half the time she looked like she was almost shaking, and the rest of the time she managed to slap a (I guess she was going for sardonic?) half-smile on her face when she knew the camera was on her, but nothing could hide her unease throughout the whole thing, and I enjoyed it to no end.

This little snippet really doesn’t do the roast justice, but it’s indicative of how brutal some of the jokes were:

So what did we learn from the roast?

Well, David Spade was a decent enough roast master and definitely set the tone for the entire thing. Peyton Manning has a huge head, Jewel has crooked teeth, Pete Davidson’s dad perished on 9/11, Jeff Ross paid tribute to Prince, David Spade is short, Rob Lower fucked a 16 year old back in 1988 and has obviously made some kind of deal with the devil because, again, he looks AMAZING, and everyone hates Ann Coulter.

It’s rare when a roaster is the butt of the most jokes rather than the honoree, but it was well deserved in this case. It was also obvious that, while the jokes about the other roasters were all meant in good humor, the ones directed at Coulter were angry and mean. Not enough to make you actually feel sorry for her, but still. Any decent person in her shoes would probably want to crawl into a hole and remain there forever. Luckily for Ann, her type usually has super thick skin…


PS. If I offended anyone who is actually a fan of Ann Coulter (or, indeed, The Donald), I’m sorry, but I’m not really sorry. If you’re the kind of bigot who agrees with their backwards views, I really wouldn’t want to have anything to do with you in real life, so we’re both probably better of if you don’t read this blog. 

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