… And our point system is back to weigh in on yet another 10 hours of the insanity that is life in Rosewood for our Pretty Little Liars. Let’s get into this:
11. Of Late I Think of Rosewood
- So the girls are all grown up, can now legally drink, and are back in Rosewood for the hearing to determine if Charlotte, under psychiatric care for the last 5 years, should be released. And everyone looks so good! Love Spencer’s new ‘do and all the girls’ updated wardrobes. +5 points, but -2 points for Alison still dressing like a frumpy soccer mom.
- Alison flashes the bat signal and the girls come a-running. Not my words, Toby’s (I’m paraphrasing). But I could almost consider this line a wink to my Bruce Wayne theory, so +5 points.
- The first thing Ali asks her friends to do is lie so Charlotte can go free; Mona’s still sneaking up on people and her hair is slicker than ever. +2 points for character consistency; some things never change.
- Veronica is running for state senator. I guess the moms eventually made it out of that basement after all. Doesn’t she have too many skeletons in her closet for that type of thing? Oh well, +3 points for promoting the new (imaginary) kind of honest politician she aspires to be. Still, -5 points for the hilariously bad campaign.
- So Ezra wrote a book but he’s a mess after some half-ass explanation about that girl Nicole in South America, and Toby is building a house. And Radley is now a swanky boutique hotel. Which somehow Ashley is involved in, and she got Hanna a suite. Why wouldn’t her daughter stay at the house with her? -2 points
- Aria is the only one who objects to Charlotte’s release. +3 points for saying what we’ve all been thinking.
- “I thought it wouldn’t matter what we said to the judge. Because they’d never let her out. I thought we’d just lie for Ali one more time and it wouldn’t matter“.+6 points for some of the most authentic lines Spencer’s ever uttered.
- Well, Charlotte’s freedom was very short-lived. RIP, Charles/Cece/Charlotte/”A”, we hardly knew ye, you psychopath. +4 points for the girls casually packing funeral attire for their short trip to Rosewood, because of course they would, and another +2 points for most of the dresses being rather inappropriate.
- +2 points for Sara’s completely over-the-top, black-widow entrance at the funeral, but -3 for the awful gloves. So what exactly happened to Sara Harvey? What DID the liars do to her? More importantly, WHY IS SHE BACK? Just go away. -6 points.
12. Charlotte’s Web
- Check out the tan on Hanna! Wasn’t Emily supposed to be the one spending her days on the beach in sunny California though? Oh well, +3 points because they’re both gorgeous.
- Hanna snagged a hot Aussie fiancé while Aria’s dating an “adorable” hipster. Yep, sounds about right. +4 points.
- Are we really supposed to believe Emily is curing Alzheimer’s at the Salk Institute? Please. -3 points.
- Requisite cliché: Caleb and Hanna are searching for stuff in the pantry long enough to have a meaningful talk and as soon as they’re done chatting, said objects magically appear in the first place they look. -2 points.
- Aria left the hotel on the night of Charlotte’s murder to meet Ezra and her immediate reaction is to lie about it to the girls. Has she learned nothing in the last 5 years? –4 points.
- Also, Alison really suspects that tiny Aria might have overpowered her fearsome sister? Really? -3 points.
- So, Ezra. What exactly happened with Nicole and why do we care? He’s even more useless now that he’s constantly angry. And what was the very pretentiously titled ‘Ostinato‘ about? Whatever. Go ahead, drown your sorrows in booze and write the next goddamn book! -6 points for mopey Ezra.
- -4 points for Veronica dismissing her daughter’s connection to the murder while her opponent is running a smear campaign.
- Hanna deletes the ‘incriminating footage’, because OF COURSE these girls have learned nothing. -5 points.
- Caleb dragged Spencer to a bullfight in Madrid; she thought it was awful, cried and called them ‘savages’. That’s my girl! +10 points, and + another 3 points for all those sparks flying between those two.
- Could Sara be more creepy? How did she burn those hands? WHY DO WE EVEN CARE? Until the plot explains why the writers keep shoving this girl down our throats I’ll keep complaining in all caps. -8 points.
- I’ll also keep subtracting points for Ali’s awful clothes. I know she’s not as skinny as the rest of the liars, but that’s no excuse for all those unflattering outfits. – only 2 points, because she kind of deserves the hideous clothes: Ali is still the worst. “Who would want to do this” (i.e. murder Charlotte)? Really?
13. The Gloves Are On
- “The police didn’t ask us to stick around to exfoliate“, Spencer tells Hanna as the three girls are trying to relax at the spa. “We’re here to chill, not spill“, insists Hanna. +7 points for Spencer but -3 points for Hanna, because that line was weak.
- Oh look, Lucas is back! Super rich and driving a Jag, and willing to provide Hanna with an alibi AND a place to stay. +5 points. Now where are Noel and Jenna?
- What’s this kimono getup paired with gold high heels? Is she going for trendy or the high-end call girl look? Hanna, I thought you worked in FASHION! -6 points
- So Emily is donating eggs because she’s broke; she spent all the money her dad left her and never graduated college. +4 points I guess, because it makes sense for at least one of the girls not being super successful at age 22.
- Sara burned her hands by touching live wires when she tried to regain her balance after Emily clocked her in the jaw. Yep, still not blaming the girls for whatever happened to that psycho, but -3 points for “not being able to touch anything” because of the burn. Is that even a thing?
- This would be an utterly unremarkable episode if not for the Spencer-Caleb HOOK UP! I don’t know how I feel about this. Hanna doesn’t, either, although she’s being quite the magnanimous, albeit uncomfortable, best friend. +4 points.
14. New Guys, New Lies
- So Caleb is working for Veronica’s campaign and is now seeing Spencer; Toby is dating the opposition’s daughter. And in an unexpected display of openness and honesty, Spencer asks Hanna for permission and Caleb tells Toby as soon as he hooks up with Spencer. Could it be that our liars are growing up? +6 points, because you know this will get even more complicated.
- Also, -3 points for bringing this new Yvonne girl into the fold. What are the odds that both candidates running for senator are from that tiny town, and the opposition’s daughter would be getting dating Spencer’s ex? -2 points not because it makes less sense than anything else on this show, but because her acting is hideous.
- And now Hanna is coming clean to her mother AND Jordan? My oh my, the girls did learn something after all. +4 points, and + another 3 points for ‘Hannibal Hanna‘. Is this guy too good to be true or what?
- Somehow goofy-grin, happy Toby is more annoying than before. And how dare he get over Spencer and buy this new girl a ring? -4 points. And another -3 points for so desperately wanting Spencer out of town. Go build your stupid house, Toby.
- Ezra is off to brood alone (no complaints here), Aria break into his loft to see if his #9 golf club is in its place (it is), but of course our nosy little liar listens to his voicemail and surprise, apparently Ezra was witness to something that may have looked conspicuous, involving Aria’s dad. And of course Aria finds her dad’s #9 club missing. Are we going there again? Wasn’t that Meredith fiasco enough? -4 points.
- Is this emoji texting going to become a thing now? The original “A”‘s messages were much more ominous, even without the red devil signature, which, frankly, is just cheesy. -7 points
- Who is that bespectacled middle aged man with the glasses spying on Emily through the (very blurry) window? +5 points because he’s a dead ringer for Walter White and wouldn’t THAT crossover be amazing?
- Wait, all this time with Caleb and Hanna couldn’t figure out to try her birthday as her mom’s password? Really? -2 points.
- Boo. That Walter White lookalike was obviously a disguise (and doesn’t look like Walt up close). He’s wearing gloves and entering a limo, just like Sara Harvey. I know giving up the mystery right away isn’t good TV, but neither is having the liars certain it’s Sara and throwing obvious clues our way only to contradict them later. -8 points.
15. Do Not Disturb
- Aw Ashley. You’re such a protective mom. But why not just tell Hanna the truth? -1 point.
- Aria’s mom and dad are getting back together? Meh, not the mystery I was hoping for but hey, mazel tov! And Ella is now Byron’s alibi, so +2 points for that.
- Really digging Spencer’s lingerie. +4 points. Hanna’s, on the other hand… no. Love the red lip though, so only -1 point.
- Emily couldn’t think of “I’m busy” as an excuse not to go see Ali? And we’re blaming this on hormones now? -3 points because she’s never been the sharpest tool in the box.
- Hanna’s boss is an awful caricature of every bitchy fashion icon combined. Would sassy Hanna really work for someone like that? Meh, – only 1 point.
- “Did your father and I give you too much space?” asks Ella. Um, you have been doing that from day 1, Mrs. Montgomery! -3 points.
- No one involved in a political campaign wouldn’t be on their phone 24/7 and “have it back before they knew it was gone“, Caleb. -2 points. And of course it was Mona who set the whole thing up – who else did we know with an ax to grind working for the opposition? -1 point.
- Hanna quit/was fired. See, I told you she was too good to be that horrible woman’s assistant! +5 points.
- The file “Hastings opposition research” is password protected, of course. But it’s also ONLY 325 KB? No. -4 points.
- So Sara dug through the closet wall to some secret passageway into the old walls of the Radley. And Caleb gave whoever this mystery non-“A” person is a corrupt drive that infected his/her laptop. Next episode should be promising! +6 points
16. Where Somebody Waits For Me
- “I thought places like this only existed in movies”, says Hanna, lying next to Jordan in an extravagant red heart-shaped bed. Yes Hanna, very TACKY movies. -5 points for the set designer.
- When the girls are discussing the possibility that Ali might involve the police if they tell her about Sara’s escape hatch, Aria actually makes sense. Secrets are getting toxic indeed, girl. +6 points because I know I’ve been hard on you.
- Have I mentioned how much I love Spencer’s business attire? +3 points
- Okay, that fried egg/bacon tableau at Hanna’s room? Not good. We’ve verging on the ridiculous again, guys. And then Hanna’s wearing that godawful doily blouse with the poufy sleeves? No. -4 points.
- Aw so Mona was trying to help Spencer by leaking her the info on Yvonne’s phone? As much as I’d love to believe she’s left the dark side for good, I’m still not 100% buying it. Still, +5 points because she actually looked sincere.
- Why exactly is Aria ghostwriting Ezra’s book without him even knowing it? And Liam knows her well enough to figure it out right away? Why should I care, exactly? -4 points because so far I’m completely indifferent to Ezra’s book or Aria’s passing of her own writing as his. But +3 points for Ezra being less gloomy these days.
- So Tanner is back, and she’s looking a bit worse for wear. Maybe all these homicide-free years in Rosewood took a toll? Hasn’t lost her snark though, so +3 points for that.
- I don’t get the misdirection with the golf club. Why would this stalker send the girls on a wild goose chase? Okay, for his/her personal amusement, I guess. -2 points for that one but +4 points for Spencer discovering the missing metal part of Melissa’s suitcase that probably IS the murder weapon.
17. We’ve All Got Baggage
- So, Sara is a slob. One more reason to hate her. +5 points. Where did the hole in the wall go?
- I guess Sara had enough of the creepy masks from seasons past and upgraded to Mission: Impossible-type rubber ones. +4 points.
- Wow, Ella and Byron’s first wedding sounds awful. And now Aria is officiating the second one? At least Hanna picked out a good dress for the bride, so +1 point.
- Emily is enrolling at Hollis. I thought she was broke? Oh well. Just another plot device to keep her at Rosewood, I guess. +1 point. And she made a new friend! Who is none other than that nosy blogger who interviewed Spencer a few episodes back, because Rosewood is a small town and we still believe in coincidence. -3 points for the eyeroll I just gave myself.
- +6 points for Spencer giving her mom excellent campaigning advice AND being a good daughter.
- “Thank you for reminding me of why I had kids; you get a chance to make people better than yourself“. +5 points because that line gave me all the feels, but -2 points for that whole hacking plot line later in the episode.
- I guess Mike’s been booted off the show? Meh. Not going to your parents’ wedding is lame, Montgomery. Get your act together. -4 points.
- Okay, first Ezra, then Byron, now Melissa, why are we recycling old “Who Is A” theories? +2 points, because I actually liked that flashback with Melissa losing her shit, plus her necklace was gorgeous.
- Oh Aria. I thought I might cut you some slack but really sweetie, how did you possibly think your current boyfriend, who is also your coworker, wouldn’t find out that your writer client was also your ex boyfriend? – only 2 points, because it’s Aria we’re talking about here. And – another 2 for that godawful pepperoni pizza t-shirt.
- Alison’s romance with her sister’s shrink is an utter snoozefest. -3 points. She was a far more fascinating character when she was (presumed) dead. And now Dr. What’s-his-name pops the question? Meh. I feel like knocking off major points for everyone getting engaged at the age of 22, so -8 points.
- Jordan works for “The Magazine” and we take another look at that creepy place in the woods called the “Diner”. For a show with such wild imagination, you could have made a bit of an effort with the names, PLL. -4 points.
- Aria was ordained to marry her parents because “she’s the writer in the family”. -2 points for the underwhelming speech, but hey, at least she’s getting a lot of use out of that license! Congrats, I guess? +1 point, because you know this is going to be a disaster. (Also, why does it feel like ever since Joey got ordained on the internet, every show has the couples’ best friend perform the ceremony? No points, just wondering).
- That entire scene with Emily running around the diner just so she would find the murder weapon and get her fingerprints on it was a joke. I know I’m hard on Aria, but Emily, you’re a moron. Also, I know that’s basically your entire acting range, but that deer in the headlights look is getting old. -7 points.
18. Burn This
- Involving Aria in your wedding is very cost-effective: she can officiate AND be the photographer! +3 points because at least she was useful. And now she’s co-writing Ezra’s book. Way to go you two. I see a disgruntled boyfriend in your future.
- Aw, look at Ashley and Caleb! +3 points just because I missed those two hanging out.
- By the way, where is Jason? Is he off the show, like Mike? Does no one suspect that he might have something to do with the murder and whoever’s stalking the liars? -3 points because now you’re just robbing us of all the eye candy, PLL.
- Okay, why is Caleb taking the fall (and a punch to the nose) again? Why not explain there’s someone messing with them all over again? Ah, who am I kidding, what did ever make sense on this show? – only 2 points.
- So Ezra wants Aria to co-write the book because he wants her to be Nicole’s voice? A bit of a stretch, but okay. By the way, wasn’t she Emily’s friend? Has Emily even expressed any grief over what happened? -3 points.
- Oh hey there, ominous rural-Pennsylvania biker gang. Why is Emily hell-bent on pinning this on Melissa? Oh well, at least she found the truck. +2 points.
- Is Mona really being miss Goody Two-Shoes now? More importantly, teenage girls in the 2010’s want to marry Justin Timberlake and Matt Damon? Whatever happened to hot 20-something celebrities? – only 1, because at least they didn’t fantasize about George Clooney.
- Using all the synced-up functions at the ‘smart loft’ to terrorize Hanna and her guests at her own bridal shower? Awful, but also kind of brilliant. +3 points. Was Alison not invited or just on her honeymoon? Also, Ezra’s making it hard to hate him when he’s being so cute to poor Aria at the hospital. +2 points.
- Ohhh, pregnancy scare flashback. I’m a bit disappointed in you, Spence. But hey, at least you came clean to Toby, so +4 points.
19. Did You Miss Me?
- Aw, Hanna’s sticking up for Mona (sort of) and goes to visit Alison at the hospital! +2 points for being such a good friend. Also, Hanna looks so much more stunning without all that black eyeliner, so +3 points for the makeup department.
- Does this book Ezra and Aria are writing require flashbacks to his time with Nicole? I mean that’s too bad about the girl, but we have bigger fish to fry here! -3 points
- +4 points for the unintentionally hilarious image of Sara’s driver eating an ice cream cone next to the ice cream truck with the garishly bright paintjob with a bunch of kids waiting in line.
- Hanna and Caleb have come up with the stupidest plan to date, but Spencer is resigned to a glass of wine while Emily is the one who sees all the red flags? -5 points, because that’s how many minutes I’ll give it till it backfires big time.
- Of course Aria’s boss knows about her and Liam: “You were very discreet, that’s why everybody knows”. +1 point.
- Lucas asks Caleb “Do you lunch? We should do lunch”. +2 points, because of course he’d say that. And he wants to invest in Hanna’s startup? Okay, I’ll buy that.
- Mona’s taking a stand against Sara and I’m perfectly happy to root for her! +4 points.
- Ali’s new husband is sitting on her bed while she sleeps in the dark. Turns on the light and goes “I didn’t want to wake you”. How about NOT TURNING THE LIGHT ON THEN, DOC? -6 points because I don’t like that guy.
- Caleb goes all Rick Grimes on us with that “This isn’t a democracy” line, so props for that. And props to Spencer for being the first one to declare her support, even though this is clearly making her uncomfortable. +2 points.
- Okay, what was that stupid binary code montage? Did we really need to follow the message through every cell tower in PA until it reached this gloved cyberbully? -1 point.
20. Hush Hush Sweet Liars
- Spencer has a killer french accent. +3 points, because of course she does. And +2 for Toby, because he’s rocking those glasses.
- Emily: “How do you know how to build an electric fence?”
Caleb: “I googled ‘how to build an electric fence'” +2 points.
- Ezra and Aria wrote the entire book within a couple of weeks? Um, no. -4 points.
- Alison’s keeping up with the PLL black and white movie tradition. That I’ll buy. What I just refuse to accept is that, not only does she have a landline, but it’s a freaking rotary phone. -3 points, because there’s retro-chic, and there’s just plain ridiculous.
- So is Ali going nuts now? Girl’s looking pretty rough. Where is she going to go now that Radley is gone? +2 points for the possibility that Eliott’s been secretly replacing her painkillers with crazy pills.
- Aria’s walking around town in hot shorts that could easily pass for underwear? To meet with Ezra? -2 points because I’d rather she’d go back to loud, clashing patterns. And pants.
- And of course the good news about the book is followed by a romp in the sack, because they’ll keep pushing this Ezria crap down our throats until the finale. +2 points, because at least now it’s LEGAL.
- And now Caleb’s kissing Hanna, who ‘never stopped loving him’? Is this finale about laying a trap for whoever this A-Emoji (ha! Good one, Caleb!) is, or rekindling highschool romances? And how does this timeline even make sense? When did Hanna get that job that they broke up over, if Caleb was traveling through Europe alone when he ran into Spencer 3 years ago? Is this another aspect of the time-warp that is this show? Meh, – only 4 points, because they always were a cute couple.
- Back to the old couples: Spencer is sneaking around inside the walls of the Radley with Toby. How long before those two remember the good ol’ days? Nope, looks like Mona just crashed the party, so +2 points.
- Hold the phone: Charlotte was adopted? And her birth mother was Mary Drake (hence Cece Drake)? Is that who’s stalking the liars? +5 points because I didn’t see that coming.
- Meanwhile, Caleb left Hanna alone in that room to wander around the woods with Aria and Ezra? Not cool, you guys. And they didn’t think to look for the escape hatch in the floor? Ezra had the exact same thing in that cabin of his for f*ck’s sake! -3 points.
- Veronica won the election! Way to go, Mrs. Hastings! +6 points.
- Whoa Nelly! So Eliott wasn’t giving Ali crazy pills but I wasn’t too far off, because he was the one wearing the Wilden disguise. And Mrs. Drake is a dead ringer for Ali’s dead mother because she’s her twin sister (not to mention a master at zombie make-up)? And what’s with Eliott’s accent? What the hell is going on here? +7 points.
Despite the ridiculous factor, the second half of Season 6 still managed to come out on top with 22 points to spare. I’m sure all the book fans are rejoicing about the twin plot line but it really makes no matter to me…Let’s see how season 7 stacks up!