Here we are once again – for the last time until April – to review the first half of season 7 of Pretty Little Liars based on our handy point system. Season 7 picks up right we left off: Hanna’s trap has backfired and she’s now captured by Team “A.D.”, aka Alison’s creepy new husband Eliott and her even creepier Aunt, “Mary Drake“, so let’s get to it:

1. Tick-Tock, Bitches

  • Cliché Mission: Impossible unmasking shot, and the mask always looks completely different and utterly fake once the mask is off. Except that was over 20 years ago and special effects have come a looong way since then, so -3 points.
  • The liars et al have 24 hours to solve the ‘Who killed Charlotte‘ mystery to get Hanna back. +2 points for team work!
  • Hanna’s beat up, half-naked and locked inside a decrepit structure. The shot looks like it was lifted off a horror film and Hanna’s pretty much a dead ringer for every B-movie heroine, so +4 points for the set designer and wardrobe&makeup department.
  • Wait, so their idea of figuring out who killed Charlotte is putting names inside a hat bowl? Seriously? -5 points. Not getting off to a good start here, guys.
  • The plan to solve the murder mystery is to follow Mary Drake and see what she’s up to? Fine, I’ll buy it, but only because I like the creepy Lost Woods resort setting, of which the evil twin is now the proud owner. No points.
  • Cliché #2: Guilty shrink husband plays the ‘my wife had a complete psychotic break’ card to keep Ali locked up. -2 points for no one even suspecting this dude.
  • On the plus side, after 6 whole seasons, this show’s making us feel for Ali, so +4 points. It was about time!
  • Spencer and Caleb discover all the textbooks A.D. has used to teach herself everything from cyber-bullying to chemistry. I’d subtract more points for the self-taught psycho stalker cliché, but Spencer’s obsession with that language app is cute, so wash.
  • Eliott has a weird saw in his doctor’s bag. +2 points because, oh, the possibilities! Also, he can tell something’s wrong with his OCD-level closet where Aria and Ezra were hiding, because in TV land, if you’re tidy, you’re a psychopath. -4 points because I take issue with that one. And – another whopping 10 points because no one really keeps stuff in an ottoman under lock and key unless they have something to hide, so why the hell is still no one getting suspicious of the doc?
  • Spencer just realized none of them have had anything to eat, so she opens the fridge and pulls out a jar of …pickles. –5 points, unless she’s pregnant.
  • Okay, the godawful night-vision goggle green-tinted scene with Hanna? Not good, PLL. -6 points because you just ruined the good will you’d built with that earlier scene, and this is verging on torture porn.
  • Emily’s idea of finding out what happened to Charlotte is asking a sleeping, drugged-out Alison if she did it. +3 points, because of course. Also, -2 points for immediately taking Ali’s insane ramblings seriously and then lying about it to Aria.
  • Mary thinks Spencer and Melissa look ‘so much alike, almost like twins’. Um, no. -3 points.
  • +6 points for Mary’s “I was born first, and she was born jealous” line when Spencer asks why she and Jessica didn’t get along, and + another 2 points for the thinly veiled threat (“you should lock this door, these days you’re not safe anywhere”) as she’s making her exit.
  • +5 points for Aria bringing up her sexy times with Ezra AND the dreaded where is this going conversation in the most casual way possible, and because I need to cut her some slack now that she’s rocking that darker bob and normal sized jewelry.
  • Is it me, or is no one besides Mona and Caleb really putting those 24 hours to good use? In terms of finding Hanna, I mean. -3 points. Those two do actually have good chemistry though, so +2 points.
  • Of course everyone’s quick to decide Ali did it, so obviously she didn’t. And of course Hanna escapes only to (literally) run into A.D. +3 points for the increasing number of clichés PLL managed to pack into the season premiere.
  • Oh wait, here’s another one: “Just like you, Alison, karma can be such a bitch“, says hubby as he injects her with whatever meds will keep her crazy and locked up forever. +3 points.

2. Bedlam

  • Glad as I am that Hanna is safe back at Spencer’s, I feel a little disappointed that Mary didn’t go all psycho on her. Still, everything she says is creepy as f*ck, so I guess +2 points.
  • Elliott has now banned anyone but family from visiting Ali, and still no one is suspicious. -2 points.
  • After “Emoji A” and A.D., we now have a new nickname, courtesy of Spencer: Über A. Yep, sounds about right, so +2 points.
  • Aria does the decent thing (almost; she still lies about Ezra) and breaks it off with Liam, so of course now he’s back on the book and will be working closely with both of them. +3 points, and another 2 points because it was only a matter of time before he would figure out what’s going on.
  • Yay for Spencer’s “low tolerence on condenscension“! She’ll probably be on to Eliott out by the end of the episode, so +5 points.
  • Hanna cleans up nicely. +4 points for the super-hot red dress.
  • Do we buy Mary’s sob story? Is she not still working with Eliott? Are we even buying Lucas’ magnanimous offer to invest in Hanna? Who am I kidding, this will never really make sense. +1 point.
  • Wait, it kinda does: Eliott’s gotten carried away with his revenge plan. And Emily will be the one to figure it out before Spencer? Now there’s a twist! +3 points.

3. The Talented Mr. Rollins

  • +2 points for Ali’s (failed) attack on Elliott, right off the bat!
  • This entire Toby/Yvonne storyline is a snoozefest and Yvonne’s wonky face gives me the creeps. -6 points for subjecting me to this awfulness.
  • Of course Elliott is two steps ahead of the girls and makes Ali presentable for the impromptu visit, but +4 points for the Hannibal Lecteresque face restraint and another +5 for the girls getting feisty!
  • Oh hey, Jason’s back! Well, on the phone to Spencer, at least. And of course kept out of the loop by Elliott. +3 points.
  • Wait a minute: Aria knows all about Elliott’s secret hiding space in the ottoman, so why hasn’t she suggested they go snooping around at his place yet? -4 points.
  • Nevermind, at least my girl Spencer’s brain is working! Another chance to practice her incredible lock-picking skills? +2 points.
  • Nope, they actually have a key. And stupid Emily steals Mary’s file from Spencer’s purse. She’s starting to annoy me even more than Aria, who’s actually being useful for a change. -4 points.
  • Elliott has perfected the veiled threat: “If you keep pushing, I promise it will be detrimental to her health“. Now if only he’d remember to keep his accents straight, that would be great. -6 points.
  • I spoke too soon: not only Aria takes forever to snap those pictures at Ali’s house, but she replaces the key in the wrong sconce. Uh-oh. -3 points, because YOU HAD ONE JOB!
  • The girls are going to Amish country? Of course they get lost. “I can’t believe Lucas owns a map“, says Hanna, and she deserves +5 points for that one, because I can’t believe it either.
  • Of course Sabrina is gay, because when has the show introduced a new female who Emily wasn’t interested in? -3 points and – another 2 points for every gay female on this show being available and into Emily.
  • Spencer figures out the latex recipe and that Elliott made a mask of Wilden to make Ali think she’s crazy. I feel like awarding myself points for knowing my girl would put two and two together, but for now, +5 points to Spence. However: OCD Elliott keeps a sloppily hand-written recipe for latex? Really? -2 points.
  • Charlotte’s creepy dolls now belong to little Amish Eliza, and apparently she and Elliott used to visit a lot. I guess Hanna and Aria’s foray into Amish country wasn’t such a bust after all. +3 points.
  • Hanna sees the cattle prod her torturer used on her; do the Amish even use cattle prods? Aren’t they powered by electricity? No points, just wondering.
  • Aw Spence. Caleb likes you, but you love him. I get it. Here’s +6 points to make it all better (it doesn’t, but hey). And to rub salt in the wound, Toby’s having his engagement dinner. I’d feel for the guy having the party crashed by Emily, but it’s not much of a party when it’s outside his TRAILER. -4 points.
  • Glad to see Ali still keeping some of her wits about her even in this drugged out state enough to make her escape. +4 points
  • Okay, I’m pretty sure the way Elliott landed on Hanna’s car after the impact defies the laws of physics, but +6 points for the unintentionally hilarious shot of his dead face stuck in the windshield.

4. Hit and Run, Run, Run

  • Oh man, so many problems with the way this is going. For one thing, it was an accident, so why immediately jump to the 1st degree murder assumption? For another, this is their idea of making their problem disappear? Don’t they remember how the last time they were wielding shovels in the woods turned out? And more importantly, they just happened to have 4 shovels in the trunk? I’d almost buy it if the car belonged to the girls, but it’s still Lucas’. -10 points because this is just stupid.
  • However, +3 points for “All we need to do is cover our tracks“. “Yeah, is that all?“. But then, “we thought of everything“. Um, no. -1 point.
  • And + another 4 points for Aria being the only one who talks sense. Go to the cops you idiots!
  • The girls used to make fun of Spencer of carrying wet wipes around but now who’s an uptight nerd? “You. Still you” says Emily, and I wish Spence would just clock her in the face, especially since she almost left her prints all over Elliott’s phone. +4 points.
  • Spencer is wiping down the floor while Emily is uselessly pacing. I really want Spencer to punch her now. -5 points.
  • Hanna takes a shower and of course she has no visible wounds on her face, but finds a shard of glass in her hair, which she somehow missed when she washed it? And since when does tempered glass shatter into shards? -3 points because nothing about this plot line makes any sense, but at least she offers to help Spencer.
  • Caleb talking to Spencer through the door with Hanna listening in was a bizarrely touching scene in the midst of all the crazy, so +6 points.
  • Emily and Spencer are discussing their plan at the bar where anyone can hear them, because of course. -4 points.
  • Even if you’re happy for the person, there’s always this dull ache“, says Spencer about the Toby/Caleb&Hanna situation, and truer words were never spoken. +7 points, but also -2 points for the girls going from murder cover-up to discussing their love lives in the span of 2′ right after they buried someone in the woods. And then: “timing is for figure-skaters and comedians. Either you love someone or you don’t“. Can’t help but award another +6 points because my girl’s on fire.
  • Alison didn’t kill Charlotte, and I guess only Aria is surprised by that. So we’re back to square one, I guess? +3 points.
  • So Spencer gets drunk and hooks up with this guy at the bar and then blue-balls him… +5 points, because this actually makes sense.
  • The car’s gone, Hanna blows a gasket but look who’s back: the car, driven by Mona, who figured it out all on her own because girl’s not stupid. She already got the windshield fixed, gives Hanna and Aria a reality check about the ridiculousness of their plan AND points out what they missed: Elliott’s burner phone. +3 points.
  • Also +6 more points for Mona, because of course she can tell a fake from a real diamond.
  • I feel bad knocking off points for her lost bracelet, and she did recover it (with Mona’s help, of course) so – only 1. However, they can actually hear his burner phone ringing inside its secret hiding place INSIDE A LOCKED CAR? How loud is that ringtone? -4 points.
  • +6 points for Hanna being an awesome friend to Spencer but -4 points for Caleb just packing up and leaving in the middle of the night. Not cool, Caleb.
  • Mary is now “in charge“, the cops know that Elliott assumed a dead man’s identity, his real name is Archer and Jenna, who’s back “to make amends with Toby”, is the one calling him on the burner phone. +5 points because now we’re getting somewhere! By the way, whatever happened to that awful Sara person?

5. Along Comes Mary

  • All those lies I told… you’d think I would have seen Elliott coming from a mile away“. +4 points for Captain Obvious…err, I mean Alison. However, she may be a former mental patient and she’s put on some weight since we first met her but that still doesn’t excuse the awful slouchy cat face tee. -3 points.
  • Emily sleeps through her college exam but sits at home practicing her cocktails? Wasn’t she supposed to be a bartender in California before she ever got the job at the Radley? -7 points.
  • So Ezra 2.0 seems to be quite open and honest about everything. What does Aria do? Lie about what happened with Elliott and delete the ghost call from Nicole on his phone. -6 points because she’s back to being the worst, and another -2 points because Emily shouldn’t be allowed to dispense advice, ever.
  • Can we day-drink? Just a little?” asks Aria. +4 points because the situation definitely warrants it. “We’re thinking, not drinking“, replies Emily, because of course she can’t do both at the same time. +3 points.
  • Emily texts back the mysterious number on Elliott’s phone and whoever’s on the other end replies. “Is it Jenna?” asks Aria. “No, just a number“, says Emily. IT’S THE SAME FREAKING NUMBER YOU TEXTED, YOU DOLTS! -10 points for making me use all caps.
  • Spencer’s almost-one-night-stand is the new Detective in charge of the Elliott investigation. +2 points, because small town, yadda yadda, but what happened to Tanner?
  • Emily and Aria go snooping at the ‘burner apartment’, which is a dump, and find a head cast in the murphy bed. +2 points for the creepy Wilden impersonator but -6 points for using the dirty sink as a hiding place, because no OCD-level sociopath would deliberately live like a slob as a cover up.
  • And here I was wondering what happened to Sara: she’s at the Radley meeting Jenna, because everyone you might bump into in Rosewood is at the former loony bin these days. Also: does Jenna recognize people by smell even if she’s never met them before? -6 points. Look at those two chumming up and sharing awful dialogue: “Are you a sour girl?” “I can be“. Ugh, – another 7 points.
  • And then we get more awfully stilted and awkward dialogue, courtesy of Mary Drake this time. -6 points, because it’s not even creepy any more.
  • Toby walks in on Aria and Emily as they’re examining Elliott’s burner apartment and asks the most stupid question yet: “Did you touch anything?”. -4 points, because DUH.
  • +5 points for the disgusted way Alison says “God, when she panics like that I can’t even think” when Hanna freaks out for the 10th time.
  • Looks like Elliott left Ali a parting gift: now that she knows her friends were the ones who told him she was guilty, I guess it’s fair to expect the old feud rekindled? +3 points.
  • Whoa, ANOTHER marriage proposal? Sigh. +2 points, because as far as corny speeches go, Ezra’s was pretty sweet.
  • Not only Sara but also Noel Kahn is back, and they’re all teaming up with Jenna? +4 points. Now where’s Jason?

6. Wanted: Dead or Alive

  • +6 points for Spencer’s Walking Dead reference but -2 points for Ali just being pissed at the girls instead of going full-on sociopath on them. So many missed opportunities!
  • -4 points for Aria’s terrible rainbow-tiger-stripe-leopard-print sweater. Just no. Also: first Emily, now Alison, doesn’t Aria know that the only person she should be asking for advice is Spencer?
  • So we’re back to the whole is-he-or-isn’t-he-dead plot line? This is getting really old, you guys. -5 points.
  • +4 points for Hanna finally coming clean about calling off the engagement.
  • I’ve been hard on Emily so +6 points for confronting Jenna but: Charlotte and Jenna were friends, working together to find Charlotte’s birth mom, and Jenna helped Archer get into Welby to continue this charade? And this was a job for the blind girl?  -4 points because come on.
  • +2 points for Alison finally realizing that her psycho sister lied about everything but -5 points for not noticing that the cop she just invited inside the house is obviously wearing a freaking mask.
  • Aw Ezra isn’t fazed by that almost-vehicular-manslaughter business and is back down on one knee proposing. +4 points and mazel tov, you two!
  • So if Elliott is still very much dead, who is our mystery A.D. and why did he kill Sara? +5 points because it’s not like I’ll be sorry to see her go.

7. Original G’A’ngsters

  • Oh look, Emily remembered she has a mother! + only 1 point, because where the hell is out favorite mom, Ashley Marin?
  • The only thing more boring than watching paint dry is watching Ali and Mary slowly paint over A.D.’s message. -3 points.
  • Jason’s back! He wastes no time kicking Mary out of the house…. but what’s up with the long hair and unkempt beard? No, just no. – only 2 points, because he’s still hot.
  • Aria and Ezra are already planning the wedding? +3 points for Ezra’s quasi-panic attack and his suggestion that they elope, because why the sudden rush?
  • Ashley is nowhere to be seen, but hired Caleb as the hotel’s security? There are other ways to bring him and Hanna together, PLL. And now he’s taking a page out of “A”‘s book, pretending to be a masseur at the Radley spa so he can borrow Jenna’s key? -2 points, because that’s just creepy.
  • Jason and Aria hooking up isn’t a big shocker; what’s surprising is that Jason’s been working with kids in Ethiopia. Still, +6 points for our hottie.
  • How is it even possible that everyone in Rosewood hangs out at the Radley and Em’s mom hasn’t even seen the place since the renovation? -7 points.
  • Noel broke into Toby’s Aistream to steal Mary’s Radley file and keep it in the lockbox in Jenna’s room, so of course now he’s hanging out at the Radley all day and looking hotter AND creepier than ever. +4 points.
  • No one’s ever really safe in Rosewood“, Spencer tells Toby, which, although true, is not exactly something you tell the town cop. However, +3 points for selflessly trying to get him and Yvonne out of town.
  • Alison is blindly defending Mary AND being a bitch to Aria. Wasn’t she supposed to be the devious one? Why is she so easily manipulated, first by Elliott, now by Mary? -7 points, and I’ll keep knocking more off until Mary proves she’s worthy of anyone’s trust.
  • Emily’s mom was super bummed because having fun now that her husband is gone makes her feel guilty. A cosmo and 10′ later, she’s become best friends with the girls half her age at the loud bachelorette party two tables over? No. -5 points.
  • Toby thinks about what Spencer said for all of a minute before deciding to not only pack up and take Yvonne to small-town Maine to ‘start a family there’, but also drop the bomb that he was originally building the house for Spence? -4 points, because my girl’s heartbroken enough as it is.
  • The girls go looking for the storm cellar at Aunt Carol’s place Mary told them about. “There’s nothing here“, says Hanna, waving the flashlight around. “Cellars are below ground, Hanna“, says Emily. +3 points for the heavy dose of contempt as she points the flashlight downwards.
  • Of course Ezra and Aria’s plan to elope wouldn’t go down without a hitch: the FBI shows up at his door to let him know Nicole might still be alive. +6 points.
  • If you find out who I am before I find out who killed Charlotte, you die“? And now A.D. has Aria’s file and burning Noel’s? Is A.D. off the Hanna trail and on Aria now? -2 points because this show makes zero sense.

8. Exes and OMGs

  • Well that little dream sequence in the cold open wasn’t half bad, so +4 points.
  • So the files they got from Jenna’s lockbox are in some kind of code Caleb hasn’t cracked yet, but there’s another file about Mary’s DNA; there’s the phonecall Spencer and Hanna overheard with Noel trying to reach a “Dr. Cochran”, and the fact that she had another baby. Is it me or are the three connected, and why havent’ the girls done the math just yet? -2 points.
  • Thank God It’s Danish” day? Is that a thing? It should be! +4 points for Principal Hackett and for offering Emily the swimming coach job. Speaking of swimming, did we ever find out whatever happened to Paige? -2 points, because I hate loose ends.
  • If Em does take the job, I hope it goes better than Ali’s first day back. +3 points, because teenagers are the worst. Emily’s got bigger fish to fry though: her bad advice got Aria into trouble, but at least she feels bad enough about it to try and talk to Ezra, so +1 more point.
  • Oh hey, I spoke too soon: Spencer did find a Dr. Cochran, but not the one they were looking for. Still, +5 points for my girl being on top of things and for whatever mystery caused him to lose his license and become estranged with his doctor daughter.
  • Wait, now Mrs. Grunwald is back too? I’m not awarding any points until I’m sure we won’t be subjected to that awful Ravenswood story line again. However, +3 points for Hanna’s “Nap Enthusiast” tee, and where do I get me one of those?
  • I thought our girls are quick to jump to conclusions but Dr. Cochran takes the cake. No matter, she gives Spencer what she wants; however, -2 points for my girl scrambling to find a pen to jot down the address when she’s standing RIGHT NEXT TO HER LAPTOP where she can easily, you know, just type.
  • Still scratching my head over what purpose Mrs. Grunswald serves other to freak Hanna out. However, Hanna’s summary of what went on and the girls’ confusion was hilarious, so +6 points.
  • Curb the perv or the bottle walks‘? Not a Spencer line you’d expect, but it’s effective. +3 points. The good doctor remembers Charlotte (well, Charles) but not the second baby’s gender, because of course. So who exactly got the Radley patients pregnant to begin with? -2 points for the half-assed explanations.
  • Well, whaddayaknow, Paige is back to apply for the coach position. -6 points because who would leave California to work at Rosewood High? Her family doesn’t even live there any more! But +1 point, because at least we found out when and why they broke up, but then again -4 points for Paige going back to skulking outside the coffee shop, because aren’t we done with that yet?
  • Whenever the girls are close to finding anything out about Noel Kahn, “A.D.” is one step ahead of them, and still they don’t jump on the Noel bandwagon along with Hanna? -5 points, because jumping to conclusions is what they do best.
  • Ezra is an emotional wreck about this Nicole development so props to Ian Harding. And Aria getting him that ticket to Colombia? +3 points, because I almost teared up a little.
  • So who’s Hanna making a deal with? What’s all this about money? Where’s Mona, for that matter? No points, because with two episodes to go, we’re bound to find out, aren’t we?

9. The Wrath of Kahn

  • Oh Spencer, when you get the chance to rebound with a nice guy, you take it. Especially since he’s apparently the only competent cop in Rosewood. Although I guess I have to give her props for being honest, so +3 points.
  • Okay, I have no clue what’s going on with Hanna, Noel and the broken iphone. And what did Noel order the red velvet cake for? Why does Emily need to warn Sabrina about him if all she’s doing is baking him a cake? -5 points because you can’t keep confusing me, PLL!
  • So Aria and Jason weren’t just a one night stand. +4 points for the flashbacks, if only for the gratuitous shirtless Jason scene, and + another 3 points for him being such a sweetheart to Aria about Ezra.
  • +2 points for Emily and Paige reminiscing next to their old lockers. However: “you miss being stalked and having acne that won’t go away”? -1 point, because when did any of our girls ever have a single pimple?
  • Emily can’t stop blabbing – first to Sabrina, then to Paige. You can’t half-spill and then ask them not to ask questions, Emily! -6 points, and – another 2 points for Sabrina’s awful hat.
  • +2 points for Spencer using her laptop to jot down Noel’s address this time. It’s that old cabin! “How did we not put this together sooner?” asks Emily, so -3 points for the eyeroll.
  • So Hanna’s going rogue, she got a couple of pills that could knock out a horse, and is blackmailing Noel with Sara’s broken phone. So far, so good, but why not involve the girls? No points until I see how this plays out.
  • Spencer and Emily hit the jackpot with that incriminating flash drive proving that Noel was helping Charlotte back at the doll house. + only 3 points, because chances are they’ll screw it up before the cops can get their hands on it.
  • Of course Hanna’s plan backfires, not only because she was conspicuous, but also because it was stupid. Why didn’t she record the conversation on her phone? Why even bring Sara’s? Why not just show him a photo of it and put it somewhere safe? Oh Hanna. -8 points.
  • Okay, first Hanna botches the plan and now Spencer loses the flash drive? Why didn’t they make copies as soon as they got their hands on that thing? I feel like punching all of them now. -10 points because I expected more from you, Spencer.
  • I know it’s bad form to feel relieved Nicole is still presumed dead, but I’m kinda glad for Aria. +2 points for Ezra coming home.
  • Whoa Hanna just pulled a Negan on Noel Kahn! Good on ya, Han. +4 points.
  • So what was the red velvet cake for? -1 point.

10. The DArkest Knight

  • Let’s see: first a bat to the head, next a little bit of torture. But Hanna’s set up a camera to record a confession and she’s getting some proof via expedited DNA test. +5 points for the effort, but -2 points for the creepy DNA lab guy.
  • Hanna calls Mona when she realizes she’s in too deep. +6 points, because if anyone can actually help her, it’s Mona, who actually clues her in to the doll house footage.
  • Mona, the voice of reason, suggests they just go to the cops with the flash drive evidence, but Hanna won’t have it: “Busting Noel for the doll house is like busting a mob boss for tax evasion“. Nice line, but how is being tortured for a couple of days worse than being kept in that doll house for weeks? -2 points.
  • Alison is nauseated by Paige? +3 points for getting formerly bitchy Ali back, even for a few moments.
  • +4 points for Caleb’s speech to Hanna and the ensuing sex scene. Is this going to be the 3rd proposal we get this season?
  • Ali is pregnant, which explains the nausea. Still doesn’t explain why she looks like an oompa-loompa though. -3 points for the orange make up, -2 points for the answer to every problem being watching a black & white movie and -4 points for Emily falling for the sweet act once again and kissing Ali back. Also: did Em’s stolen eggs fit into this equasion somehow?
  • So Nicole is alive after all and Toby is off to wherever he’s going with Yvonne. I’d feel bad for Aria and Spence because apparently PLL wants all our girls back with their highschool boyfrends, but +2 points for the possibility of Spencer & Marco and an Aria/Jason reunion.
  • Paige goes off on Emily about Ali; she’s not wrong, but she’s been back in town for all of 2 seconds, so where does she get off? And she calls herself Em’s “girlfriend”? Really? -6 points because as dumb as Emily can be, Paige still is basically a clingy stalker.
  • The DNA isn’t a match, but since when do they give them over the phone? – only 1 point, because at least now Hanna’s sharing the info with the rest of the gang.
  • Of course Noel untied himself and made off with Hanna’s camera. Where was Mona? Wasn’t she supposed to keep an eye on him? Is she back on the dark side? Is that why she and Caleb lost Jenna? -5 points.
  • Wait, so Toby actually finished building the house AND sold it already? Come on. It took him longer to graduate from the police academy. -2 points.
  • Okay, as hilarious as Noel’s head getting chopped off and rolling down the stairs was, there were so many problems with that entire scene at the creepy old school for the blind that I just have to knock off points left and right:

Did the girls just give up the flash drive AGAIN without making backup copies? -4 points because surely they can’t be that stupid

-3 more points for splitting up and allowing Noel to trap them

-4 points for whoever gave the BLIND girl a gun and – another 5 points for not even trying to overpower her – it’s 5 against ONE BLIND GIRL

And why would turning off the lights be a problem if they can use their phones as flashlights?
Why was Mary there? Was she working with them or did she follow the girls? And why did it take her so long to reveal that she’s SPENCER’S MOTHER? -3 points

Didn’t Jenna shoot Spence? Didn’t Mary knock out Jenna? No?

So you’ve got Jenna, Noel (minus a head) and Mary, and none of them is A.D.? Is it Lucas? Or Mona? STOP CONFUSING ME, YOU SILLY SHOW! -10 points.

Although these first 10 episodes of the last season of the show had it moments, the ridiculousness and major plot holes land this half of season 7 firmly on the ‘wtf‘ side, with a final tally of -30 points.

Hopefully the remaining episodes will somehow explain everything, although at this point that seems next to impossible… So I guess I’ll settle for a fun conclusion to one of the most ludicrous shows on television.